Just The Tip Please

I recently threw a party at my house, which is always a good time. And like clock work by the end of the night people are making out in the backyard, having sex in locked bedrooms, and getting blowjobs in my closet. This story for a change isn’t about me thank god! But it is about three very close friends of mine let’s call them, Melissa, Ben, and Jake. The story goes something like this. Melissa gives Ben a blowjob in the closest, one, which he thoroughly enjoys to the point of finishing in her mouth. About an hour later Ben is roaming around the backyard grinning ear to ear when he notices Jake conversing with Melissa. Ben not being the jealous type could care less, but what happens next is what really bothers him. Jake and Melissa start making out! Wanting to puke and laugh all at the same time Ben isn’t sure what to do or say, so he lets it go on. He begins to tell all of their buddies who gather around and start giggling like school boys. Finally the two take a breather from what Jake thinks is a pretty hot makeout. After Melissa has left the area Ben approaches his buddy and says, “Dude what are you thinking? I just came in her mouth less than an hour ago!” Jake looks like he’s just seen a ghost and immediately turns around to throw up. Needless to say, Jake still hasn’t lived this one down and probably won’t for many, many years.

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A few months ago I was at a wine tasting event with some friends. They were finishing up with their dinner when I decided to take a quick lap around the other room to check out the men at the event. Not noticing any cute men the huge chocolate fountain seemed to be calling my name. I ventured over, grabbed a marshmallow and stuck it in the fountain. It was DELICIOUS! So I continued to roam around the room and I then noticed the cute bartender. I kindly asked him for a napkin and gave him “the eyes.” A few minutes later I notice this old lady staring at me like she knew me. She walks over and says, “Honey it’s just not fair.” I think what that I’m single and looking for men? She says, “You have chocolate all over your face and since no one else in this room has told you I just had to.” OMG mortified! No wonder the bartender giggled after he gave me the napkin.

Flashforward to a few weeks ago, when I was in town having dinner with my family. Dinner was wrapping up so I decide to head to the bathroom while they took care of the check. Noticing what a nice night it was outside, I decide to roam down the street. As I’m walking down this busy street with hot, manly men, I begin to think my friends and I should come down here more often. Maybe this is where all the mature men have been hiding!! I walk back down the street to meet up with my family. My mother is looking at me funny and walks behind me. I feel her tugging on my pants, I immediately yell MOM what the F%$#! HYSTERICALLY laughing she holds up a foot of toilet paper that apparently was hanging out of my pants!!!!!

Yet again I’ve been publicly mortified, I really hope this is a theme that ends sooner than later. But I guess if I do ever want to meet a man I better get the chocolate off my face and make sure the restaurant toilet paper isn’t come home with me!

You know what SUCKS….being a virgin! Its sucks. For those of you who were or are late bloomers you’ll be able to appreciate this blog the most, and all you sluts out there, well I guess you’re shit out of luck. But you were all here at one point or another, maybe it was years ago, maybe it was months ago, weeks ago, or even last night? Well being someone that held on to the chastity belt a little bit longer than ‘normal’ I have definitely learned how NOT to tell a guy you’re a virgin.

1. Never tell him on a first date – way too soon!
2. Never tell any of his friends – BIG mistake!
3. Never be in the middle of hooking up and stop the hook up to tell him.
4. Never say.. I’m ready to have sex but just not with you.
5. Never say… “I really want you inside me.” BUT then not follow through. If you want it you want it.
6. Never tell him on the 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th date– still too soon!
7. When he asks “Do you have condoms?” Your reply shouldn’t be – “We won’t be needing those I’m a virgin!”
8. Don’t tell him you’re a virgin when you’re shit faced and not remember you told him….no wonder he isn’t calling!
9. While lying in bed never turn to him and say….. “I have something to tell you. (Long Dramatic Pause) I haven’t
slept with anybody, but really want to sleep with you.” – This is one of the worst ways to tell him.
10. Really I just want someone to tell me the best way to tell a guy you’re still a virgin! Cause I just don’t know….

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