Just The Tip Please

Being a single lady I decided to attend a singles event on Valentine’s Day weekend.  Of course, in order to attend the event I had to be a bit drunk…well I had one or two too many.  The bar was quiet when we got there and I figured it’d be a bust, BUT at the end of the evening I was pleasantly surprised.  My friend introduced me to a guy she knew.  We were all talking and then she suggested we make out.  She literally stopped and looked at us and said, “You guys should make out.”  Not really sure why she said this, but hey he was cute so I wasn’t about to complain!  We made out at the bar and at the end of the night left together…..NOW somewhere in between the excitement of the make out and excitement of going home with him, I tripped…I think?  I remember going to the bathroom a step or two was involved…my foot hurt…But didn’t really care to think about it, so we walked to my apartment and had a great time.  I’ll spare you all the details.  Tthe next day after I dropped him off and began to sober up and the pain that set in on my foot was excruciating! So somewhere in between making out and the morning drive of shame, I sprained my ankle!  At the time I didn’t care because I was on such a high about the hook up, but after a few weeks this mystery man never called and I came to a conclusion…if you’re going to sprain your ankle when you’re drunk and not remember how you did it, make sure you have a cute guy in your bed to take your mind off it.

There was a time when it was the tale end of my cycle and I was on a date with this guy – that I didn’t really want to hook up with, but felt too bad to leave (this will become a reoccurring theme).  So I told him it was that time of the month and whatever he thought was going to happen DEFINITELY was not.  I told him again and again, he even suggested moving to the shower – okay hi, still date number two here.  When I told him no for the 100th time, I made sure to include all the facts like “Hey buddy I have a tampon in.  This isn’t happening.”  And ya know what his response was….”Well that’s not where your clit is?”  You know what I know where my clit is and my clit and I want nothing to do with you.  Who do these guys think they are?

Now this doesn’t happen often, and I don’t mean to brag, but walked away from this incident with higher self esteem.  I had a guy on Friday that was so determined to pursue me at the bar that he followed me into the woman’s bathroom.  He was on a mission to get to know me, and knew the crowded, loud bar wasn’t cutting it.  Now anyone that hasn’t made out in a woman’s bathroom at a bar should try it before they knock it.  HUGE TURN ON!  And not to worry the bathroom was nice and clean, just not private….whatever!

Now I know what you are thinking is this blog for real, but yes it is and I am telling you 69ing is back and better than ever.  I swear I have 69’d this year more times with more guys than I can count.  I know what you are thinking….what a slut!  Don’t worry I knew all of them…impressive I know.  So here is my theory, I think 69ing is back in 2009!  I did it back in high school and college, but then there was a few years where my life lacked that awkward, but hot and sexy position.  Sure it may not be hot and sexy to you, BUT if you’re with the right guy you can from zero to soaked in more ways than one.  I do agree there is always that awkward moment while 69ing, the who is going where, who’s on top issue, but once this moment is sorted out and all the puzzle pieces are in place, you’re ready for the workout of your life…I’ve never really been a big sweater when it comes to hooking up but a few months back after a session of the good old six and nine, a towel was definitely needed…and I know this guy would agree with me that 69ing is hot when you’re doing it right…..so who wants to 69?  I’m bringing it back in 2009 and want to know who is with  me?!  The movement starts today!!!

So I decided to sign up for match again a year later – I know, I’ll never learn.  I still went into it with high hopes although nothing came of it last time, but I was determined that there was a guy on there that was normal.  So the first guy I went out with had potential.  Hot, soccer player, family in Boston!  But half way through the first date he mouth-raped me with his tongue!  I mean there’s a passionate kiss and then there is just a guy who doesn’t know what he is doing with his tongue and this guy was the latter.  This should have been the red flag that he was a creep, but when they’re that hot you give them the benefit of the doubt.   Second date, same guy:  Dinner, arcade games, and a car ride later, we’re back at his apartment hanging out.  He continues to insist we go in his room and I continue to let him know I’m comfortable on the couch.  You think one time of saying this would suffice.  No joke – he asked me 15 more times in a half an hour.  Every time I said, “I’m fine here.”  So he gives up on the bedroom and just makes his move on the couch.  We are making out for maybe a minute, and he grabs my hand and starts to put it down his pants.  I’m thinking, “Is this guy for real?”  Talk about taking the passion out of the moment.  I move my hand away, seconds later he starts to take off his pants…removing his belt, unbuttoning his button…he is totally going for it!  Well again my prude ass doesn’t know this guy from a whole in the wall – so I what do I do – I lie, “Look I have my period and even if I didn’t we wouldn’t be doing much more than this.  I am not some whore on match to go out and get laid, so if you’re looking to get laid on the second date you can keep looking.”  And he looks at me and says in the most serious tone – “Oh you have your period is that we’re you’re so CRANKY!”  I’m cranky because you’re hot, but a bad kisser and a creep!  Needless to say that was the last time I saw him, even though he kept calling, and calling, and calling.    And that was just one more of the many bad dates I went on from Match, so no I don’t think there will be a threequel to this blog!

Like most single girls in Los Angeles, I’ve tried Match. Why not I thought how bad can it be?!?! BAD IDEA – WORST EVER! Why, you ask? Well, let me fill you in on a few of my dates… The first date I had the guy came to meet me and when I opened the door he looked disappointed. That was my first experience with Match and I know I am NOT that bad looking!  But he was short and apparently was upset at my 5′5″ I was taller than him!  The second guy I went out with on Match had an issue with me because I drank caffeine! No joke. He gave me the hardest time about it because he was clean and tried to stay pure in every way possible. Please! The third guy I went out with I can’t even remember it was that bad and very awkward. The fourth guy, I had two dates with. Before he made a move he had to ask if it was okay. “Can I kiss you?” “May I put my arm around you at some point during the movie?” “I’m going to hold your hand now!” SHUT UP AND JUST DO IT. WHAT IS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS? After the second date I didn’t invite this guy in because I really wasn’t feeling it. And you know what he said – “Are we okay? Are we in a fight or something?” Let me remind you, this was our SECOND date.  So, no we aren’t in a fight, we just met, and I’m not inviting you in!  But I have to admit, after he said that I felt bad and invited him in, but I never called him again and nothing happened!  I’m embarrassed that I invited him in. That was the end of Match for me. I realized there was a reason these guys were on there and I could find guys with equal issues or lack of personalities without paying money, as this blog as made very clear!!!

You would think these three things wouldn’t happen on a first date, well you’re wrong.   This guy was like no other guy I’ve ever been on a first date with, it started like always with dinner and drinks, etc.  The typical date…until he dropped me off.   He kissed me good night while we were sitting in the car.  This kiss became a serious make out very quick and the next thing I knew he had reclined the passenger seat back and was on top of me before I even knew what was happening.  Very smooth, although aggressive!  The phrases that follow were embarrassing to hear and are more embarrassing to write…don’t get me wrong if talking dirty is what you like that’s great, but on a first date, I’d like a guy to be a bit more discreet.  He starts with… “Are you wet? How wet are you?” – Instead of answering I press my lips against his neck and mumble something.  I mean we are in still in the car, what did he expect?  He continues, “Oh yeah, I’m so hard. You want to feel my hard cock in your wet pussy?” OKAY WOW!!!  And continues, “Tell me you want my hard cock.” How about your tongue down my throat so you aren’t talking! These statements followed from him… “I want to feel your tongue all over my body. I want to feel how wet you are with my cock. Let me just jump in.” And with that the date ended.   It was just a bit too much for me to hear anymore.   Now, will I see him again? Probably it was kind of hot!