Just The Tip Please

I recently threw a party at my house, which is always a good time. And like clock work by the end of the night people are making out in the backyard, having sex in locked bedrooms, and getting blowjobs in my closet. This story for a change isn’t about me thank god! But it is about three very close friends of mine let’s call them, Melissa, Ben, and Jake. The story goes something like this. Melissa gives Ben a blowjob in the closest, one, which he thoroughly enjoys to the point of finishing in her mouth. About an hour later Ben is roaming around the backyard grinning ear to ear when he notices Jake conversing with Melissa. Ben not being the jealous type could care less, but what happens next is what really bothers him. Jake and Melissa start making out! Wanting to puke and laugh all at the same time Ben isn’t sure what to do or say, so he lets it go on. He begins to tell all of their buddies who gather around and start giggling like school boys. Finally the two take a breather from what Jake thinks is a pretty hot makeout. After Melissa has left the area Ben approaches his buddy and says, “Dude what are you thinking? I just came in her mouth less than an hour ago!” Jake looks like he’s just seen a ghost and immediately turns around to throw up. Needless to say, Jake still hasn’t lived this one down and probably won’t for many, many years.

‘‘

A few months ago I was at a wine tasting event with some friends. They were finishing up with their dinner when I decided to take a quick lap around the other room to check out the men at the event. Not noticing any cute men the huge chocolate fountain seemed to be calling my name. I ventured over, grabbed a marshmallow and stuck it in the fountain. It was DELICIOUS! So I continued to roam around the room and I then noticed the cute bartender. I kindly asked him for a napkin and gave him “the eyes.” A few minutes later I notice this old lady staring at me like she knew me. She walks over and says, “Honey it’s just not fair.” I think what that I’m single and looking for men? She says, “You have chocolate all over your face and since no one else in this room has told you I just had to.” OMG mortified! No wonder the bartender giggled after he gave me the napkin.

Flashforward to a few weeks ago, when I was in town having dinner with my family. Dinner was wrapping up so I decide to head to the bathroom while they took care of the check. Noticing what a nice night it was outside, I decide to roam down the street. As I’m walking down this busy street with hot, manly men, I begin to think my friends and I should come down here more often. Maybe this is where all the mature men have been hiding!! I walk back down the street to meet up with my family. My mother is looking at me funny and walks behind me. I feel her tugging on my pants, I immediately yell MOM what the F%$#! HYSTERICALLY laughing she holds up a foot of toilet paper that apparently was hanging out of my pants!!!!!

Yet again I’ve been publicly mortified, I really hope this is a theme that ends sooner than later. But I guess if I do ever want to meet a man I better get the chocolate off my face and make sure the restaurant toilet paper isn’t come home with me!

You know what SUCKS….being a virgin! Its sucks. For those of you who were or are late bloomers you’ll be able to appreciate this blog the most, and all you sluts out there, well I guess you’re shit out of luck. But you were all here at one point or another, maybe it was years ago, maybe it was months ago, weeks ago, or even last night? Well being someone that held on to the chastity belt a little bit longer than ‘normal’ I have definitely learned how NOT to tell a guy you’re a virgin.

1. Never tell him on a first date – way too soon!
2. Never tell any of his friends – BIG mistake!
3. Never be in the middle of hooking up and stop the hook up to tell him.
4. Never say.. I’m ready to have sex but just not with you.
5. Never say… “I really want you inside me.” BUT then not follow through. If you want it you want it.
6. Never tell him on the 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th date– still too soon!
7. When he asks “Do you have condoms?” Your reply shouldn’t be – “We won’t be needing those I’m a virgin!”
8. Don’t tell him you’re a virgin when you’re shit faced and not remember you told him….no wonder he isn’t calling!
9. While lying in bed never turn to him and say….. “I have something to tell you. (Long Dramatic Pause) I haven’t
slept with anybody, but really want to sleep with you.” – This is one of the worst ways to tell him.
10. Really I just want someone to tell me the best way to tell a guy you’re still a virgin! Cause I just don’t know….

‘‘

Please!  A friend of the tip sent over this video and we just had to post it.

‘‘

So last weekend I went out with some old friends, dinner, drinks, girl talk, you know the usual…during the girl talk a friend of mine told me a story that I just had to share with all of you.  It went something like this…My friend: “So I was really drunk and met this guy out at the bar, we hit it off so I brought him back to my apartment later that night, we had sex about 15 times, he was on top, I was on top, standing, lying, pretty much any position you can think of we did.  So a few days passed and I had this horrible stomach ache, I didn’t think much of it and just figured I was constipated from not eating enough veggies and fiber.  On the third day I finally went to the bathroom – thank god!  I stood up to flush the toliet and looked down into the bowl, and was shocked to see a CONDOM floating around in the water…now I know we had a lot of sex that night, but i’ve never had anal sex and I certinaly didn’t have it that night…or did I?  Do you think I could have swallowed the condom?”  My reaction:  “A CONDOM CAME OUT OF YOUR ASS  AND YOU DON’T KNOW HOW IT GOT THERE – THAT’S AWESOME AND A GREAT BLOG!!  THERE IS NO WAY YOU SWALLOWED IT. Call me crazy but i’m pretty sure if you swallowed a condom you’d know it.”

Needless to say, drunk sex can certainly get messy and sometimes results in unexpected surprises.  I guess the good news is if my friend did have anal sex, at least it didn’t hurt???

I have been a regular reader of JTTP for some time now.  Over the past few months I’ve grimaced a few times, had a couple of laughs and actually learned a thing or two along the way.  Im not exactly your average Just The Tip Please reader in that I am a man, or as some women would say, a boy.  (Yes, I have been told this on more than one occasion).  Until now I have sort of sat back and listened, like a fly on the wall at “Girls Brunch” or a peeping tom at a high school slumber party.  I listed to you tell stories with only an occasional bashing of the opposite sex but today I have take a stand.

I too have been dabbling in the world of online dating. Coming back onto the market after a few years hiatus I felt it was probably good to lie down a few ground rules. Two to be exact. No more dating friends of friends (a story for another day) and no more dating co-workers  (also a collection of stories for another day).  So, where does a modern male go in search of an evening’s company?  The bar? I have been working on a serious beer gut so this seems ill advised. The gym? Yeah, please see previous comment about beer gut.  So I guess all that’s left is the internet, or at least that is all that’s left when you are too lazy to get off the couch, again, beer gut.

So, I sign on, throw up a few pics and let the craziness ensue.  This is where we get to point of my writing.  The previous post to the site ends with these words, “we aren’t sure what guys are thinking, EVER!” And here I have to call foul.  Yes its true no one knows what guys are thinking, not even guys. But, I’ve been out on dates and have literally said to myself “what are you thinking!?!?!?!”  So I offer to you a collection, copied and pasted directly out of my inbox, a little series I like to call “I’m not sure what the HELL women are thinking, EVER”

“Nice Wig, wanna fuck?” (Yes I am wearing a wig in one of the photos. No I do not want to fuck you)

“That sounds great. I’m excited to meet you. Can we make it somewhere a bit more family friendly though.  My sister is out of town so I need to bring my 6 year old” (This was to be a first date and the first mention of a 6 year old)

“It looks like Im free on Saturday after all.  My boss finally told his wife about us and she is pissed!  He hasn’t been in for three days and I am feeling single and ready to mingle” (The rest of this email goes on to explain, for the first time, that she has been having an on going thing with her 58 year old boss and she had plans to go to Chicago with him for the weekend but that now seemed unlikely.  I was fine with the previous email that just read “Sorry I have plans on Saturday but lets get together soon)

“This may sound weird but is that guy in your third picture straight? I think I may have gone home with him like three years ago and he started crying and telling me he was actually gay” (That guy in the third picture, yeah, thats actually me.  Its a photoshoped picture of me standing next to me.  This did not happen.)

and my personal favorite….

“Hey this thing says you are online…. I just took some E and really need to get laid. are you around/ I’m clean”

So yeah I’m not sure what the HELL women are thinking, EVER!

‘‘

The Miss’ have been very busy and with no time to get out and find men on our own we all decided to start some online dating.  We wanted to share some of the clever emails that the “fools” on these sites think will get our attention and make us respond.  See if you can guess which ones are real and which are just an April Fools joke…

“Please don’t take this question the wrong way.
Have you lost weight? I can tell through your
pictures that you have. Looks good ”

“You are too adorable to ignore…trust me I tried. I wanna take you out to a

night club and tickle you until we dance. When you get tired we’ll head to

the couch so I can tickle you again and you can tell me ‘I love Your Sense of Humor’”

“I like your profile and really enjoy meeting new people and I don’t like to go out to bars etc trying to meet people, I’d rather put the effort into taking someone out.

I like your boobs in the photo.

Have a great week and I would embrace hearing back.”

“This site gave me a list of people they suggested for me that might be a match and you were on it, I think maybe they believe you have a friend that could be a match for me.”

Believe it or not, these are all true, we aren’t sure what guys are thinking, EVER!

Since we are on the subject of online dating I figured I would write another blog about this site.  When I first signed up, I received on average 10 emails a day, and slowly weaned out the old men, 19 year olds, and sketchy men that were amongst the batch.  Typical online dating.  After all was said and done, there was one guy, I was interested in.  So the night had come and the anticipation of seeing my date in person was at an all time high.  Standing on the street corner I anxiously and impatiently waited for my date, I waited……and waited, and got to thinking, this is the most nerve wracking part about online dating!  We know we have a lot in common, and get along great online, but this is the ultimate test.

Every guy that passed me I thought ‘Is that him?  No…there he is?  Ohhh he’s cuter than I thought….oh still not him.  Okay this guy is definitely him, tall, blonde, cute, it’s him…oh god what if he sees me and doesn’t like what he sees and pretends he’s not meeting me?  Is he really walking by me….OH MY GOD I HATE DATING!!!!!  Oh that wasn’t him.’  I am instantly over the anxiety of standing on a street corner, to meet some guy I don’t know who may not like me, who may not look like his picture, who is a good 15 minutes late….UGH!!!!  But then, ‘Oh here he comes, this has to be him.  Yup it’s him, he’s coming this way!!!  He’s a lot cuter than his picture maybe this won’t be so bad??’  Then he opened his mouth…and I was wishing he had just walked by me, because the other thing I hate about dating is being on a bad date.  Live and learn – next time I’ll be sure to talk to the guy on the phone before meeting him in person.  Mess.

There is this new online dating site that’s free called Plenty of Fish.  I recently joined after a friend told me about it – I thought it’s free, why not?  I’ve been on the site for almost four months and have gone out/talked to a few different guys and I’ve decided they should rename the site “Plenty of Fucking Idiots.”  That’s about all I’ve met on the site – lots of idiots.   I think my latest date sums up the site.  First, he makes me drive 45 minutes to meet him, which I don’t mind doing, but a considerate guy would have met me halfway.  Second, we get to the bar and he insists on buying me a drink I don’t want, who drinks a scorpion bowl on a first date, after Freshman Year of College anyway!?!?

Then the conversation went as follows…

His opinion about romantic commercials on at the bar.

HIM:  Oh my god, this commercial is such an anti-hard on.

ME:  Hmmm…ok.

And then we discussed passed relationships.

HIM:  So have you been in a lot of relationships?

ME:  A few, I had one long term one a few years back and another one this summer, but nothing really serious in between.

HIM:  Oh, so what did you do in between masturbate?

Then he brought up marriage.

HIM:  I NEVER want to get married, I’m assuming you do because you’re a girl; all girls want to get married.  Marriage ruins everything.

ME:  (No response)

The chair he was sitting in.

HIM:  This chair is uncomfortable.

ME:  Oh really, do you have a bad back?  We can change seats if you’d like.

HIM:  No.  It’s just killing my balls.

ME:  Adios idiot.

My favorite part about this interaction is the guy thought it went well and wanted to go out again and when I blew him off couldn’t understand why.  REALLY?!?!

You know what I can’t stand? What drives me to crazy? What makes me want to scream on the top of a building? Girls that give their opinions without being asked. We get it, we get it, you have a fucking opinion about the guy we are dating, 1000 reasons why he’s not good for us, 1000 reasons why we’re not going to marry him etc. My friends (I love them all) have an opinion more often than not, and I’m not going to lie, in recent years this has become a bit of a pet peeve for me. Sorry ladies, but if I’m not asking for your 2 cents I probably don’t want to hear it. In the past I’d love to ask my friends for advice when I’m first dating a new guy, it’s like trying to piece together a puzzle. What do you think he meant when he said, “The things girls first like about him they later hate?” Or do you think he isn’t into me because he didn’t try to kiss me after our second date? It’s fun and harmless banter, trying to understand your new beau with your best gals, and don’t get me wrong if I run into a problem or just need some good advice about what to buy him for his birthday I’ll pick up the phone to call my friends.

But as I’ve gotten older, I find myself giving my friends a disclaimer before I share a story with them about the guy I’m dating. “I’m going to tell you what happened last night, but I don’t want you to judge him” or “I already know what you’re going to say, I don’t want to hear it but just need to vent if that’s okay.” I also find myself justifying his actions or mine actions – because one of my friends is on my case about it, ah last I check it’s none of your business.  It seems that no matter how many disclaimers I put out there, my friends can’t keep their big mouths shut. Women have something to say about friggin everything and it drives me bonkers…this friend thinks he’s crazy, that friend thinks he’s using me, this friend hates him, even though she’s never met him, it goes on, and on, and on…and I’m not saying that sometimes their opinions aren’t right, but sometimes you just don’t want to hear it, yea know? Maybe you need to learn for ourself or maybe they end up being completley wrong, but still put this negative thought in your head about the guy you’ve been sharing a bed with, and now you’re all worked up and mad at him because of your friend’s spectulation…it’s stupid, chidlish, and not fair to your relationship. The one thing I’ve learned these past few years is less is more – the less you tell your friends about the inner workings of your relationship the better – because chances are you’re probably sharing more of the negative, than the positive and if your friends are like my friends, they will have already formed an opinion in their heads about your new beau before meeting the poor guy…so ladies, we get it you have an opinion, but there is that old saying – if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all…words to live by if you ask me.