Just The Tip Please

Since we are on the subject of online dating I figured I would write another blog about this site.  When I first signed up, I received on average 10 emails a day, and slowly weaned out the old men, 19 year olds, and sketchy men that were amongst the batch.  Typical online dating.  After all was said and done, there was one guy, I was interested in.  So the night had come and the anticipation of seeing my date in person was at an all time high.  Standing on the street corner I anxiously and impatiently waited for my date, I waited……and waited, and got to thinking, this is the most nerve wracking part about online dating!  We know we have a lot in common, and get along great online, but this is the ultimate test.

Every guy that passed me I thought ‘Is that him?  No…there he is?  Ohhh he’s cuter than I thought….oh still not him.  Okay this guy is definitely him, tall, blonde, cute, it’s him…oh god what if he sees me and doesn’t like what he sees and pretends he’s not meeting me?  Is he really walking by me….OH MY GOD I HATE DATING!!!!!  Oh that wasn’t him.’  I am instantly over the anxiety of standing on a street corner, to meet some guy I don’t know who may not like me, who may not look like his picture, who is a good 15 minutes late….UGH!!!!  But then, ‘Oh here he comes, this has to be him.  Yup it’s him, he’s coming this way!!!  He’s a lot cuter than his picture maybe this won’t be so bad??’  Then he opened his mouth…and I was wishing he had just walked by me, because the other thing I hate about dating is being on a bad date.  Live and learn – next time I’ll be sure to talk to the guy on the phone before meeting him in person.  Mess.

There is this new online dating site that’s free called Plenty of Fish.  I recently joined after a friend told me about it – I thought it’s free, why not?  I’ve been on the site for almost four months and have gone out/talked to a few different guys and I’ve decided they should rename the site “Plenty of Fucking Idiots.”  That’s about all I’ve met on the site – lots of idiots.   I think my latest date sums up the site.  First, he makes me drive 45 minutes to meet him, which I don’t mind doing, but a considerate guy would have met me halfway.  Second, we get to the bar and he insists on buying me a drink I don’t want, who drinks a scorpion bowl on a first date, after Freshman Year of College anyway!?!?

Then the conversation went as follows…

His opinion about romantic commercials on at the bar.

HIM:  Oh my god, this commercial is such an anti-hard on.

ME:  Hmmm…ok.

And then we discussed passed relationships.

HIM:  So have you been in a lot of relationships?

ME:  A few, I had one long term one a few years back and another one this summer, but nothing really serious in between.

HIM:  Oh, so what did you do in between masturbate?

Then he brought up marriage.

HIM:  I NEVER want to get married, I’m assuming you do because you’re a girl; all girls want to get married.  Marriage ruins everything.

ME:  (No response)

The chair he was sitting in.

HIM:  This chair is uncomfortable.

ME:  Oh really, do you have a bad back?  We can change seats if you’d like.

HIM:  No.  It’s just killing my balls.

ME:  Adios idiot.

My favorite part about this interaction is the guy thought it went well and wanted to go out again and when I blew him off couldn’t understand why.  REALLY?!?!

You know what I can’t stand? What drives me to crazy? What makes me want to scream on the top of a building? Girls that give their opinions without being asked. We get it, we get it, you have a fucking opinion about the guy we are dating, 1000 reasons why he’s not good for us, 1000 reasons why we’re not going to marry him etc. My friends (I love them all) have an opinion more often than not, and I’m not going to lie, in recent years this has become a bit of a pet peeve for me. Sorry ladies, but if I’m not asking for your 2 cents I probably don’t want to hear it. In the past I’d love to ask my friends for advice when I’m first dating a new guy, it’s like trying to piece together a puzzle. What do you think he meant when he said, “The things girls first like about him they later hate?” Or do you think he isn’t into me because he didn’t try to kiss me after our second date? It’s fun and harmless banter, trying to understand your new beau with your best gals, and don’t get me wrong if I run into a problem or just need some good advice about what to buy him for his birthday I’ll pick up the phone to call my friends.

But as I’ve gotten older, I find myself giving my friends a disclaimer before I share a story with them about the guy I’m dating. “I’m going to tell you what happened last night, but I don’t want you to judge him” or “I already know what you’re going to say, I don’t want to hear it but just need to vent if that’s okay.” I also find myself justifying his actions or mine actions – because one of my friends is on my case about it, ah last I check it’s none of your business.  It seems that no matter how many disclaimers I put out there, my friends can’t keep their big mouths shut. Women have something to say about friggin everything and it drives me bonkers…this friend thinks he’s crazy, that friend thinks he’s using me, this friend hates him, even though she’s never met him, it goes on, and on, and on…and I’m not saying that sometimes their opinions aren’t right, but sometimes you just don’t want to hear it, yea know? Maybe you need to learn for ourself or maybe they end up being completley wrong, but still put this negative thought in your head about the guy you’ve been sharing a bed with, and now you’re all worked up and mad at him because of your friend’s spectulation…it’s stupid, chidlish, and not fair to your relationship. The one thing I’ve learned these past few years is less is more – the less you tell your friends about the inner workings of your relationship the better – because chances are you’re probably sharing more of the negative, than the positive and if your friends are like my friends, they will have already formed an opinion in their heads about your new beau before meeting the poor guy…so ladies, we get it you have an opinion, but there is that old saying – if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all…words to live by if you ask me.

Miss P: I don’t totally know how I feel about this.

Miss T: Oh, I know how I feel.  Fuck Yes!

Miss P: Okay, Whoa!

Miss T: If a guys penis is too small I feel like I can give him a hand job with two fingers.

Miss P: Why are giving hand jobs at all, can’t guys do that themselves?

Miss P: I don’t really know, I have only ever had one small penis.

Miss T: Maybe you need some more penis!!

Miss P: I’m not denying that.

Miss T: Too small, is just too small you got nothing to work with.

Miss P: Some ladies say that it’s all in the way they use it what do you think about that?

Miss T: Well if there is nothing there to use, then I don’t really know if it matters.

Miss P: I know I have really enjoyed when with a bigger penises they tend to have more confidence in the bed.

Miss P: I think the size really matters for a lot of ladies when it comes to blow jobs.

Miss T: Oh for sure, the three times I’ve had large men, I’ve had to stop because I was gagging.

Miss P: Guys with large penises need to not mouth fuck you, it is hard enough to give you a blow job, but pushing it too far is      not going to get either of us anyway.

Miss T:  Yeah that is no good, my mouth is delicate.

Miss P: Yeah, if you are going to mouth fuck me why don’t we just have sex, less jaw locking and less gagging.

Miss T: I feel like if I am going to give a blowjob to a guy with a big dick, I need to take some sword swallowing lessons.

Miss P: I’m sure if a guy that had that large of a dick heard you say that you would be a blow job away from swallowing a dick!

Miss T: Awesome.

Miss T: Does the size of the girl matter?

Miss P: I just think if they are too big and the girl is too small it is just an issue period, I mean if I can’t deal with it then how is a teeny tiny girl going to deal?

Since the Miss’ couldn’t answer all the questions that go along with this loaded question, we threw the question out to some friends who we knew would have some opinions on the topic.

Miss Bejecca is a tiny person and can answer our question of does the size of the girl matter…

So, I have a teeny Vagina.  Its small, but its cute (probably my best feature).  Therefore the thought of a huge “you know what” scares me.  I would much rather have a smaller then average man then a very large man.  Don’t get me wrong, too small (and by too small I mean 3.75 inches or smaller) is not pleasurable (sorry tiny dong-ed men). Now there can also be a discussion about girth.  Too much girth is BAD.  OUCH!  A guy can be average sized and be very thick, and that’s no good.  But long and skinny is not so great either . . . so basically what this all comes down to is SIZE DOES MATTER.  It’s just like story of Goldylocks and the three bears. It has to be JUST RIGHT! (and in the end you get caught sleeping in someone else’s bed)

Miss Red doesn’t think size is a big factor for her, but she wants the big guys to know that size isn’t everything…

Does size really matter?  I had to think about if it was ever a concern of mine and I have to say it’s not.  That doesn’t mean I am not completely guilty of brunching with my girlfriends talking about who was big and who wasn’t, but I think it was just conversation.  To be honest, I have been in the position where a guy is not big and works a LOT harder to pleasure me because of it.  Sometime dudes with big dicks think there just going to thrust it in there and it will the most euphoric night of my life.  You wish!  Not the case at all.  Need to make more of an effort to gain that right.

Miss Flash prefers different sizes for different acts, but likes her men big…

Selfishly I would like to say yes size matters. Here is why…
When giving a blow job, the smaller the better, the less to try to cram in my mouth and whatnot. I don’t need it large during this act.  When giving a hand job (remind me why I need to do this when he is perfectly capable?!) average works for me. If it is too small then my hand will barely fit on the whole shaft and having to use only a few fingers is just embarrassing for him…and he if doesn’t think so, he better check himself!  When having sex, I will take size Large and XL please.  Personally, I am a girl that likes both a G-spot orgasm and clit.  So the larger ‘up in me’ the better.  I have yet to have someone “too big.”  I don’t need someone falling out of me when I am just about to climax.

Sounds pretty plain and simple….if only it was.  Tell us what you guys think.

Most of my friends don’t know this about me, but last summer I became an addict.  My drug of choice took me over emotionally, physically, and mentally.  It’s all I thought about, all I wanted, and was the last thing I could have or should want to have, or so I thought.   So what was my drug of choice?  Wasn’t booze, wasn’t cocaine, or meth, or pot, or hell wasn’t even cigarettes; my drug was a married man.  I knew it was wrong, but man when I was with him did it feel right.  It started out innocent, friendship, hand holding, drunk flirting, but when the words came out of his mouth – “I’m not supposed to feel like this…” I knew in some way I was his drug, too.  It started innocently enough, spooning on a couch.  We knew it was wrong and nothing happened at first, but with each late night jaunt we got closer and closer.  Hands traveled places they shouldn’t, and then one night my shirt came off and well the rest is history.  The first time we were together we didn’t kiss, maybe we did for a few seconds, but the kissing came later.  I remember the next day thinking everyone could read mistress on my face.  I didn’t sleep that first night, heck I didn’t sleep most nights he and I were together.  The first time it happened I thought that’d be it, we got it out of our system, one and done…I didn’t tell a soul.  I knew what my friends were going to say, my family, I had made my bed and had to lie in it, and lie I did…I lied to my best friends, my family, to co-workers, everyone I cared about became people I couldn’t let in.  I wish I could sit here and say I didn’t fuel the affair, but I’d be lying again, so I’m going to tell you the truth, I was just as much to blame as he was, I welcomed the 2 am online conversations, I didn’t put a stop to the inappropriate texts, and even when I knew I shouldn’t be alone with him in my apartment I was..hell one night I remember praying and hoping he’d call after we left a mutual friend at a bar…and he did, and it happened a few more times over a few months.  One time we both agreed it had to stop but a month later, he was back naked in my bed.

Why did I keep going back for more?  Like an addict, I was addicted to him, to the way we talked, the way he knew me so well, the way he touched me, the physical intimacy and passion that existed between us…up until that point I had never felt the kind of passion with a guy, the way I did with him.  But as the story goes, the mistress never gets the guy in the end…what I got was a headache, a headache over the guilt, over the lying.  I even ended up going to confession!!  Yes I told a priest, I was having an affair with a married man; and in case any of you are wondering the penance for that is ten Our Fathers and the Act of Contrition.  I wish I was joking.  Anyway, when the two of us were together time stood still, but when we weren’t together reality was staring me in face…it wasn’t until my friends started catching me in lies I knew I had reached the end of the road.  When I finally came out with it, my friends had known, they said what I knew there were going to say, I took their advice and began to move on or tried to…I wish I could tell you that I quit my drug by choice, because I was ready to quit it, but external circumstances actually made me quit my drug.  Eventually, I would have had the will power and strength to give it up, but am thankful that fate stepped in and helped because my drug of choice was killing my spirit, my relationships, and broke my moral compass….and even though the highs were highs; the lows were low and lonely.  After all, we all know the married man never leaves his wife for the mistress, and if he does who’s to say he’s not going to turn around and do the exact same thing to you.

Hell, I have a blog about hooking up and dating, it puts my business out there, but I gotta be honest some of my most privates stuff doesn’t make it in an entry. So, tell me this why do some people love to tell every detail? Sometimes it is just too much information for me. I can get embarrassed pretty easy as it is, but when my friend is telling me his dirty thoughts about her body over a cocktail, I just want to run away. Some things should be kept to yourself. You can tell me about your connection with your guy, without telling me about you most intimate moments. I don’t need to know how it feels when he is inside you. PLEASE, Please Keep It To Yourself!

We’ve all seen Sex In The City, ladies talk. Sure we do, we always talk, but some people talk too much. It’s okay (sorry boys) to talk about your man’s package, maybe reveal their size and how they use it, but get into how much they came or what their face looked like when they came, Too Much! It’s okay to talk about his kissing style, but then to talk about how he kissed when he went down low, ugh Too Much! Do you enjoy yourself in these moments or are you too busy thinking about how you are going to describe this to your cringing friends the next day? When I’m in the hookup…ohhh I’m in it! It is hard to remember every moment and especially not the smallest details. My advice, enjoy yourself. If you find yourself thinking of a friend during a hookup, you’re not in it. And I guarantee that friend will get grossed out to find out she was part of these most intimate moments with your man. Forget about what your friends are going to think, what she might say about this move or that, because if that is your reason for hooking up you are missing out. So ladies, your friends don’t really want all the juicy details, keep some to yourself. And I’m talking to some of the other Miss’ on this blog, too (you know who you are) TMI…TMI…TMI!

I went out with an old friend recently and we started talking about the blog, and began to trade some stories, one of her stories was so funny I just had to write about and share a few of my own run ins when it comes to sanitizing post sex.  Now, I totally get that when you’re in the heat of the moment bodily fluids are flying, sweat is dripping off both of your bodies, and god only knows what is being transmitted from one person to the other.  But most people really aren’t concerned with that, they may worry about it in a week, a month, or maybe if all of a sudden their strangely itchy down there, but for the most part, you’re enjoying the moment and your partner…except in these few instances.

I hooked up with a guy back in college, we had made out a few times but nothing had gone on below the belt.  One night my roommate left the two of us alone so we got done to business.  The deed was done quick, and no sooner could I put my thong back on, but I heard water running…..okay….apparently he needed to shower instantly??  Odd, I thought, guess we won’t be cuddling.  He came out of the bathroom a few minutes later, completely dressed, and acted like he just went to pee..no big deal.

A few years later I met a guy, that had a similar reaction to me post hookup – i’m beginning to think maybe i’m the problem?  This guy and I had been fooling around for a few weeks, but it wasn’t until i was at his house one night, on his air mattress nonetheless, that I noticed his odd ritual after hooking up, I had noticed it before but didn’t seem to care until that night….he’d immediately get up after we were done and Purel himself, I’m not talking one pump we’re done, i’m talking Pureling himself as if he were being baptized…how about you stand there and I’ll just dump the Purel all over your body buddy?  Or better yet, how about we don’t hook up – so I don’t have to feel like I have the plague afterwards.  Odd…

I found my friend’s story refreshing because this time she was the one cleaning herself post hook up.  My friend was hooking up with a guy who she thought may be dirty, but wasn’t sure, she knew he had been with a lot of partners in the past, and he hadn’t had an STD test in years…so she was naturally a bit concerned, but her urge to hook up with this guy was irresistible.  She didn’t sleep with him, but was doing everything else.  When my friend would return home from these late night booty calls she’d immediately go into her bathroom and grab the hydrogen peroxide under her sink…and would proceed to wash her arms, hands, and mouth with it.. “Oh yeah I’d gargle with it, grab a face cloth and clean my crotch, I would be the stuff in bulk at Costco, heck one time I even got into the shower and just poured the stuff over my head.”  Ummm okay, psycho.  JK I love my friend, but really…so how long did this go on for you ask… her answer, “MONTHS!”  It went on for months??  I give my friend props for not excessively cleaning her body with hydrogen peroxide in front of the man, but at the same time, honey just don’t hook up with the guy if you’re that concerned!

I met this guy on Friday night out at a new bar.   We starting chatting and in our chat we find out that our last names are almost the same with one letter different (this will come in handy later).  I decide to give him my number and see if he calls.  The next day, knowing his last name decide to check him out on MySpace.  With all these sites out there, like MySpace and Facebook I’m not sure how you are suppose to hold back from checking out anyone you meet, especially a new guy.  So, I sign on type in his name and see his page.  Of course I check out his pictures first to make sure he is as cute as I remember, the bar was dark and drinks were involved, always nice to double check.  Then I decide to check out his friends, see what people have to say.  And this is when I decide if he calls I’m not calling him back.  I see that his top friends are all women, and all, well pleasantly plump, to put it nicely.  They all leave sexy and seduction messages on his page and I want to know why this guy asked me out.  I’m no skinny girl, but my curves don’t translate to the curves these women are rockin’.  A day or so later the guy calls, but I don’t call back because I can’t handle the fact that I could turn into one of his top fatties on MySpace.  Don’t get me wrong I got nothing against anyone with some extra pounds, but I don’t think any women wants to know the guy sees her in that way, even if he likes it!  Now, one has to think, if I never got his last name, therefore couldn’t find him on MySpace, then would I have gone out with him?  The answer, yes.  Could I have gotten the wrong impression from his page?  Also, yes.  But was I willing to find out?  Nope.

This is a phrase that my friends and I use on a daily basis.  What does it mean?  Well, I think you get the idea, but I’ll start with where it came from.  My friends and I moved out to LA to do an internship program our last semester of college.  The first week we were out here, we all had to go on a million interviews and being that it was most of our first time in a professional setting, we were nervous.  So, one of my friends and I were talking and just to make light of the whole situation, “a blow job away…” was born.  At that point it was a blowjob away from getting an internship.  But it can really be used in any situation.  A blowjob away from getting to the front of a line, a blow job away from a rum and Coke, a blow job away from giving a blow job.  Unfortunately, one of our friends took it way too seriously and everything in her life became a blow job away…I need a new pair of jeans, why not give that sales man a blow job, I don’t feel like paying for drinks, dinner, bar nuts, why not give a blow job to that guy on the stool next to me or the bartender.  Now ladies, although this phrase can move you up the ladder and get you just about anything from any guy, you want to take caution because too many blow jobs can result in being a blow job away from prostitution!

Don’t you just love hotels?   Well I do, I love them.  I like everything about them.  I like that I can be messy and it doesn’t matter because you leave them soon enough.  I like that when I am in a hotel its usually for a special occasion.  A wedding, a vacation, a “get-away” if you will, and of course a great hookup!  I don’t know what it was but for a couple years of my life I was hooking up in hotels all over the place.  I met a guy in Vegas, we go back to my hotel, I met a guy in Palm Springs, no privacy, why not get a hotel room, my boyfriend lives on base where women aren’t allowed, guess we’ll have to get a hotel!  I don’t know what it is about hotels, but it just makes the hookup that much better.  You don’t care if the neighbors hear you because you won’t have to see them for the next month and have to say “Hi” full well knowing they heard your ass being slapped through the walls.  I just love them, the sex is always great, no inhibitions, but I really wish the maid would obey the Do Not Disturb sign because my ass up in the air at six in the morning can’t be pretty, not that it stopped us.